The "incident"

Ivan however, was always finding himself in trouble. He had such a vivid imagination that he actually used to give himself nightmares. He was constantly waking up in the middle of the night, screaming the house down and telling my mother about the monsters under the bed. He was so afraid of the dark that he had to have a night light and the passage light was left on for him. Cupboard doors all had to be closed and locked so that he was secure and beds were regularly checked under; this was my Mother's nightly ritual for him.

He was so strange, he loved and still does love science fiction, when we were small the television had a programme airing called Dr. Who, there were all sorts of strange and wonderful happenings in Dr. Who, I loved it too. But Ivan was so afraid of the Daleks that he would sit outside, alone on the verandah, in the dark, and watch Dr. Who through the glass verandah doors, while we were all tucked up safe and comfy indoors.

If there was an uncovered electricity outlet, he would stick his finger into it. If there was a button or light or radio switch in our hotel room he would press them all, I have forgotten the amount of times he called room service and when they arrived my Father didn't know what on earth they were doing there!

Ivan took great delight in performing acts that were deliberately meant to shock or horrify and Mummy used to bathe Ivan and I together in the evening. Presumably because she felt it was safe for her to leave us alone in the bathroom together. Safe for Ivan maybe, but never safe for me, he took extreme pleasure in tormenting me by farting in the bathwater. I used to enjoy bath-time as we often had fun playing with boats and bubbles and squirting water at each other, but one never knew if Ivan was going to behave in the bath or if he had found a new and more interesting way to torture my delicate sensibilities.

The last straw for me with Ivan's bath time tricks was when he was teasing me again, farting away in the bath and he pushed so hard that he actually let out a great big turd. Well that was enough, there was a huge disgusting turd floating in my nice clean bath water; this time I was going to tell on him; I was out of the bath so fast, faster even than when the spider fell in with me. For a plump boy he was out of the bath even faster, he grabbed me and asked me not to tell mommy, I told him I was going to, he begged and begged so I eventually relented. I then asked him what we were going to do about the turd because Mummy would be in here pretty soon to check on us and no way was I fishing it out of the bath. I have to give him credit for this, he could think clearly and with speed in a crisis.He suggested that as Mummy rinsed Sean's nappies out in the bathroom, usually after having disposed of any solid material in the loo. We could just tell her that, she must have missed a nappy and that the Nappies piled up waiting to be soaked in the bathroom, fell into the bath while we were playing and a turd fell out.

I agreed and that is the story we told her, she actually believed us, I didn't get into trouble, he didn't get into trouble and I now held some major leverage over my brother. Whenever he threatened to fart in the bath I used the "incident" to make him behave, I used to say that I would tell Mummy the real story and that I lied with him as he had threatened to wring my neck if I didn't. Bath-time became much more comfortable after that, but it wasn't long after the incident that Mummy started allowing me bath on my own. I often wonder if she suspected, and I also used to wonder how on earth she managed to get the turd out of the bath, I had a funny suspicion that she used the same soup ladle as she used for the spider. I used to watch very carefully for which ladle she used when dishing up soup.